Two weeks later Newcastle are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Newcastle.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

“Hello mum, I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.”

“Wonderful,” says his mum, “Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and was robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.”

The young lad is very upset, “What can I say mum, but I’m so sorry.”

“Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!” says his mum, “It’s your bloody fault we moved to Newcastle in the first place!”